Catbear is unabashedly mean so you don’t have to be.

You’ll still be ugly!

© Brock Rizy 2009

Written on 4.18.2003 by Brock Rizy. Rewritten on 9.5.2009

I was beating up some evil children on my break outside the movie theatre where I worked. That lead to me repainting the white steps red with the youngest one’s caved-in face and wondering about what it must be like to menstruate. Less than an hour earlier, I’d told the floor manager that I’d like to get breast implants to see what that was like and she asked, “You want to be a woman?”

I said, “No. I’d rather die than have to take care of some vagina all the time. I haven’t got the patience for something like that.” You know, with all the douching and the sanitary napkins.  She wasn’t sure how to react, but this kid’s face blood kept making me think about menstruation which made me think about eggs and how I’d eat some if I had ‘em.

One of the kids sank its fangs into my calf. I kicked and stomped to try and shake him off, but the little bastard was clamped down on me like a crocodile on a wildebeest. Jesus, I thought. Save me from this hell pellet wrapped in a human skin sack. Turning my thoughts to the divine inspired my means to fang freedom. I mustered all the religious rhetoric from my baptist upbringing, blessed the water pouring out the nearby fountain and sank my foot to the bottom of the basin that usually just grants homeless persons’ wishes for nickels. The kid sprang away, burning from the searing sting of pure goodness, the opposite of its essence. Continue reading Children Are Essentially Evil

That shark is so horny right now.  That thing he’s holding is a telephone.  They used to look like that.

Watcha doin’? I’m just sitting here, watching shark week and touching myself.

© Brock Rizy 2009

For Bill Hicks.

Why isn’t life precious to you anymore? I’ve lived it.

© Brock Rizy 2009