BEEow

Brock says: Megan began our exercise with this sentence.

The crickets were loud that summer.

The crickets were loud that summer. So was my talking dog when he was telling me to do things, and the sounds of the sins of the young people porking in parked cars got pretty loud, too. Their iniquities rang like a tuning fork struck against a lucite encased countertop. It was a pitch that only my dog could hear. I’d like to tune and fork some young dame, but I’d never hear the end of it from that mutt. “Why do you feel the need to bring her back here?” It’s got to constantly nag me to scrub the toilet so it can drink clean water, and to buy the kibble that comes with the bits, instead of kibble just. It’s got to remind me that I’m only one more late rent payment away from living under the hobo troll bridge at Belmont and 94. It’s got two collars, one for taking walks and another for lazing. I’d take him to the shelter but I don’t want him telling his next owner my PIN. I hate it when people say “PIN number,” because the number is already contained in the acronym. Just say PIN. And don’t call it PI number, because we’ll think you mean 3.141593, etcetera, and so on. PIN. Pi is not my PIN.

I’d feel more like a master if this dog was mute. He’s at least as smart as that brain gremlin in Gremlins 2: The New Batch, but he can’t turn a door knob. That unfortunate combination of high intelligence and low dexterity makes for an unhappy pooch, which means I never hear the end of anything. My dog was loud that summer, but the crickets were louder. They kept telling me that it was my turn to invade Iraq.

So, you’ve probably noticed that the comic strips have dried up. BEEow dot com is hard at work producing animated propaganda short films, succeeding the grand tradition of wartime racism established by Warner Brothers with cartoons like the absolutely NSFW “Bugs Bunny Nips the Nips.”

Keep an eye out for “Swamp Chicken and the Nadir of the North Koreans,” “Pyrotechnic Porno Babies Put Afghanistan On Its Ass,” and “Emily Edison Racists the Ethnic Stereotypes.” Coming soon!

I know. You say, “But BEEow dot com,” using the full name so formally, “America isn’t at war with North Korea!” To you I say, stop shouting. After we figure out we can’t win in Afghanistan and withdraw, we’re going to need somebody to shoot at. Voters will be so sick of hearing about war in the Middle East, that we’ll leave Iran on the back-burner and deploy to the Pacific. Enjoy this preview of rough storyboards from the Swamp Chicken short. One continuous shot:

While on his way to arm himself, Swamp Chicken encounters animals who don’t look like him and offers derogatory remarks related directly to their species. Though it may appear to be a friendly wave in the third row, it is actually a rude gesture. Swamp Chicken can be such a sass-hole, but it’s totally justified during wartime. This lone animator’s process is still experimental, so god only knows when we’ll see the first short. More to come!

Brock says: I started us off this week with the sentence in bold.

The cheerleaders were too spirited, the band girls were too brassy, the theatre girls hogged the spotlight, the 4H girls hogged the hogs, and the anime club girls were too withdrawn. Them soccer broads could kick my ass, the student council dames could kiss it. The color guard girls were, well, they just weren’t hot enough to make the cheerleader squad. The science chicks were too controlled, and it didn’t add up to mate with a math lady. The English skirts were too pro-noun and anti-verb, and I was looking to make sweet verbs. Maybe I was being too picky. On the swim team, Valerie looked good to me, in spite of her slight frog eyes. Heather was an amazon, with the body of a goddess, but taller than me, so I don’t know if I can reach around her to unfasten her bodice. When he who has eyes to see, sees sweet, Southern Baptist Alexis it will transfigure his day, but those religious girls are too marriage-minded.

It’s my own fault if I die alone.

Kevin Neece, voice actor (and old friend), will be providing dialogue for upcoming animated shorts. As an exercise, I animated three raw clips that he improvised for his voice-acting demo. Each character is animated from a single sketch.  They’re colored, then divided up into parts in Illustrator and moved using the Flash animation tools.

The Vimeo upload appears to knock the audio slightly out of synch, though I can’t be sure it isn’t just the playback on my own machine.  Also available on Youtube.

Brock Says: The other writer participating in this weekly exercise, Megan Renart, started us off with this sentence:

This fish tastes terrible.

“This fish tastes terrible. Because it’s fish, I guess. The only time I ate fish that tasted any good and wudn’t a fish stick, was in Vagina Beach, Vagina. Bourbon braise’ salmon with like dese little shave’ almons up top. ‘Cept for the texchure, you couldn’ tell it was fish. Not like this. This, is shit,” is what some woman was saying so everyone who wasn’t deaf in the restaurant and on the surrounding pier could hear.

“Have we been seated near an audition for the Real Housewives of Some Other Shitty City?” some dude with skinny jeans and gauged ears was saying so only his table could hear.

Nothing, is what his partner in sarcasm was saying, because though he wanted to let his friend know that his remark was humorous, he could not allow so much as one genuine, positive expression to seep from inside him into the atmosphere. For instance, a laugh. Just farts, carbon dioxide, and cynicism. He hadn’t the wit to compound the joke, so silence. Nothing to hear.

“Please, god, even if you never do anything good for me again, please let this bitch order dessert,” is what the vengeful chef was saying under his breath, so only the popcorn shrimp could hear. This matter was out of god’s hands, so the prayer went unanswered. Continue reading This Fish Tastes Terrible